Selle Belle: just speaking my mind

So…. Why the hell is was it 70 degrees in winter? More importantly, why did my parents have a bitch-fit when i went to play in the rain with my friends? I didn’t even get that wet! It was mostly my legs because there were mini lakes in the area we were playing in and I was dressed warmly and had my umbrella. But not I’m being threatened to be sent home because of that. Damn flu season plus lupus. What does happen when people who have lupus get the flu? How bad is it? All I know is that lupus seems to take over my life. I wasn’t picked to go be apart of history, and I can’t go to third world countries. It seems like I can’t do a lot of things. But it could always be worse…. Even though I feel like I have to fight with everyone, including my family. Yes, I have lupus. No, you don’t need to control my life and treat me like a baby. I AM AN ADULT!

Whatever. I’m done with with this shit. I’m so sick of it. But now I have to fight another battle in the morning because my school’s system is screwed up and I have been purged from my classes. Wish me luck. I might have to go off on people tomorrow or my mom might. She sure went off in an email. 

well…. the semester is almost up and I’ve only cried once but that one day I cried like 10 times! That day I also slept right through EVS rehearsal outside the practice room! It’s getting so stressful and the more stressful it gets, the less I want to stick to my diet, and the less I stick to my diet, the more I hurt…. and I was getting it back under control! I had the will power to do it until I went home for fall break and went to lunch for my great aunt’s birthday and my mom convinced me that eating ice cream just this once would be okay. What she doesn’t know is that I’m a sugar addict and once i have a little bit, it’s hard to stop.

Luckily, the semester is almost over, but that means that finals are coming up and I’m already so tired! Projects are due and I actually have a final in the morning. :P Whoever thought that human biology would be a good course to take for a general ed class was stupid!

I’m so tired all the freaking time but tomorrow is my only day of classes for the week! Heading home Tuesday, getting to work Wednesday and Thursday, and maybe get to see some friends, but more importantly, I get to freaking rest!!!!!! 

Praise God through whom all blessings flow! Because by his strips we are healed and to anyone who is going through a tough time, just give it up to God because he would not have given us these ordeals if He knew that we couldn’t handle them! And through these trials, we grow stronger and wiser and better in His hands!

just got out of evs practice and i feel horrible. like i’m about to cry. i don’t know why but i feel like no one really likes me there anymore. like everyone who i thought were my friends, just don’t like me. they don’t sit by me, talk to me, and give me these looks like i’m stupid. or maybe i just say the wrong things… i don’t know what to do. i thought i was through this already…. i thought i was done with these type of thoughts. maybe it’s a good thing that my parents might send me home next semester. my evs “sister(s)” don’t even talk to me anymore. i feel like all i have are the few girls on my hall (and not even then) and my sister. i don’t even think that my suite mates like me anymore. am i just so unlikable? today was just a bad day. i don’t know if i truly believe in these thoughts but i know that i’m tired of them. i want to go home where i know that i’m truly missed and loved. i don’t feel loved now… i want to go home!

Today is the start of my 3rd week of college, and I’m finally starting to feel it. More like I’m always tired and hurting. I’m trying to hide it so that my parents won’t realize it and force me to come home next semester… Which means that Christian can’t know either. But today was a challenge… I nearly fainted in my human biology class because of talk of an ACL snapping. I was so close to actually fainting. But life goes on. I’m walking around campus, getting my bearings. But I’m walking around to hide the pain. No one can know. Not one person can know because it can all get out and get back to Christian who will tell mom and dad and force me back home.

I’m trying. I’m honestly trying to stick to my diet. To help get rid of the pain but all around me, people are eating normal food, and around me is normal food. I just want to be normal. I feel like I’m a couch potato because whenever I get out of class, I always chill on my bed. I sleep with at lease one ice-pack every night and I don’t know what else to say. I’m trying really hard to keep my grades up, I make it to all my classes, and I’m loving choir rehearsal but I just can’t deal with the pain anymore. Sometimes I just wish that I was in the wheelchair or just get to the point that the pain is too much that I won’t notice it. Then sometimes I just wish it would all go away.

God made me in His image… But why would He give me Lupus? Why is there sickness in the world? How can there be this much pain in one human body. And the sad thing is that I know that I’m blessed because I can still get up in the morning (not as easily as others) and go about my day when others are left bed-ridden. But today…. oh today…. Today is tricky…. And it’s not over yet.

lupusdiary:

It’s kinda stupid, but I was just thinking.. I don’t think I know what I’d do if I ever actually came face to face with someone else who has Lupus.

I’ve just kinda accepted the fact it probably won’t happen unless I seriously actively seek it out.. Then I think about the fact that I could have met someone with Lupus, and just not known it. I mean it is an invisible illness. Almost non of my uni friends know about me, so it’s plausible…

I feel the same way! I have met people who had people in their families with Lupus but I have never personally met someone with Lupus…

lupusdiary:

Spent the whole day by myself because my family have all gone out of town shopping. Although i was invited I’m not there because if I went i would just ‘get tired and ruin their day’..

If I make a complain about it they’ll just say they invited me and it was my choice. Did they really think I would go after they pretty much told me they didnt want me there? They made my choice for me.

I am sooo sorry to hear this! I know how that feels to been given that choice. I’m praying for you and I’m hoping that everything will get better!

So, I have officially moved into my dorm my first semester of college! It was hard but I’m moved in, and now I am most definitely feeling the pain. My sister was finishing up moving in today and I felt horrible. I was/am in so much pain that it’s ridiculous! My dorm is going to go play capture the flag and as much as I want to go, I’m in too much pain to do it and I feel sad. I’m literally just laying in bed when I could be out doing so many things. My roommate invited me to go play beach volleyball with her and some other people then there is the freshmen choir rehearsal that starts in a couple of minutes and I have never turned down a choir chance before but I am so exhausted!

Please God, give me the will to get up out of this bed every day and give me the strength to actually participate and get past all the pain. I don’t want to have to live like this because I’d rather be out there playing capture the flag with my suite mates instead of trying to get past the pain here in my bed. I feel like I’m in isolation… I don’t want to live like this.

Some days are better than others… but last night… in multiple areas and multiple time, I kept having this shooting pain start from somewhere and shoot out through whatever limp it was near by… then there are my wrists… I have them wrapped up more than half the time and whenever I have to do this, I pray that it doesn’t get any worse. My friend who I work with told me that he knows somebody whose wife had Lupus but it’s so bad that she can barely move and then I realized that I know I’m blessed but if I don’t start taking care of myself now…that could very well end up me…

And to be perfectly honest… I’m scared to go off to college. I put on a brave face and act all excited but I’m scared to go away… My parents are testing me. (my sister told me this) But they are giving me one semester and if I “fail” then they are bringing me home and I will go to the local college. I don’t even know what they mean by that! Does it mean grades? pain? grades and pain? Can they be a little more clear about it? But I can’t ask. They don’t even know that I know that they are testing me. This is to crazy? Any and all advice will be taken into consideration…

This cheating on my diet thing has gone on for too long. I am hurting in more ways than one and I can’t really stand it anymore, but it is so hard to stick to this no carb no sugar diet when everything around me is all about the carbs and sugar. I lie asleep at night and notice about all the pain. My hands and wrists hurt so much that it’s hard to wash dishes and actually do my job. My hips hurt so much that it’s so hard to stand over a long period of time or just to walk around after an hour. Is this diet really the only thing that is managing the pain? I can’t be normal with anything and this Lupus thing is making me mad. Well, the diet plus aleve… The amazing advil (my case aleve) treatment that my doctor has me on that is suppose to help only until it wears off and I feel it more potently again. Is there any other way to help manage the pain?